Hold Your Breath

So after an extended hiatus and a Saturday marathon of crappy movies, I have reemerged. I wish it was due to a high demand that I return to the Bloggoshere, but it is mainly due to the multitude of shitty movies out there and Hold Your Breath is a super shinny turd with me written all over it. Yes, that got weird.

PLOT So you may have already put it together that this movie is based on the old wives tale that warned a person who was passing a graveyard to hold their breath. I had always believed that this was done to show respect to the dead because they are no longer breathing, upon doing some research there is a second meaning to the tale and that is what HYB is based on. The only problem is, even with the belief of being possessed by a spirit, this legend does not translate into a movie, and of all the wives tales out there this is the one they choose to use. Hell a story about a haunted ham sandwich would have a more convincing plot. The one thing this movie did give us was a fantastically cheesy title name song.

To set the stage, the movie opens to the lethal execution of a serial killer and judging by the victory rolls of one crazy eyed audience member it must be the 1940's. I don't remember his story but it was explained later that no one knew of his horrible deeds because the prison burned down and destroyed the records and I guess every news article or victim as well because that is one crappy excuse. Well something goes awry with the electrocution as an electrical storm rolls in and fries him up nice, also bringing us to present day Cali and a group of six friends getting packed up and ready to go camping, because that is what every motley crew of twenty somethings do with their weekends. I personally drink and sleep and not always in that order.

Our gang sets out on their adventure, laughing and pulling jokes on each other while the random pothead friend just lights up just as they are coming up on an old graveyard. Suddenly the daffy blond in the back who was in Tucker and Dale cries out that everyone needs to hold their breath least they should be possessed by a "really evil spirit". This spiraled me into trying to understand why millions of people aren't possessed because who actually does hold their breath? Well, Blondie really believes this and nearly has a litter of kittens because no one believes her. Reluctantly all but the pot head oblige in this craziness and can you imagine what happens next? You betcha! Half Baked gets a snoutful of evil soul.

 They decide to pull over as Half Baked has a fit of coughing, I assume it's because the spirit went down the wrong pipe. So as he composes himself our group of half wits decide to go exploring but our pot head stays back to show us just how possessed he really is. The group emerges to see an abandoned prison that I guess may have been a big contributor to the graveyard and because we are dealing with halfwits Two decide to run off and get busy inside of an old prison that OSHA would not approve of and because they are all co-depended the other three follow the love birds into the abandoned building. Once they disappear we check in on Half Baked who is now possessed and can make his eyes glow red takes this opportunity to murder a park ranger that just happened by.

Now this is where I think the movie becomes more of a horror about human behavior in twenty-somethings than about serial killing ghosts. As the couple gets busy on a dirty morgue table the other three find the execution room with the electric chair and proceed to strap a guy in with promise of oral. What I don't get is that the girl who believed so much that a spirit could possess you if you happen to be breathing and passing a graveyard at the same time does not think twice about strapping her friend to a machine designed to execute the evil people she was so terrified of being possessed by. Out of nowhere, a storm comes in and is primarily focused on the execution chamber and the two girls fumble as if thumb-less to remove a couple of moldy leather straps from their friend.

Hearing the commotion the two kids sexing it up run out to find out what the fuck was going on and then they all leave remembering that it is a camping trip and they should at least try to set up the tent. So leaving the prison they collect Half Baked and trundle down the road a piece and set up exactly one tent that the morgue humps quickly occupy to hump some more.

So after this, the story goes from stupid and takes a sharp left turn to WTF. The writer is doing his best to make a 90 minute movie out of this urban legend and has added onto the lore by explaining that not only can you be possessed by a spirit when taking in oxygen by a graveyard, this same spirit can move between people once free from their graveyard bonds. The best embellishment was when it was explained that the practice of holding ones breath only extends to people in cars and you can walk past the graveyard safe as kittens. I would have loved to have been at that brain storming session.

The best is yet to come; enter grumpy old caretaker. I have a beef with this guy, he looks to be about 55 but during one of his cantankerous moments of story telling accompanied by flashback tells our protagonists that he was a prison warden during the execution. Even if the execution took place in 1950 he would have needed to be born in 1930 making him now about 80 give or take, guess no one thought anyone would do the math. So Grumpy-pants basically is in the movie to explain... the movie, but only succeeds in being an douche bag with super winning lines. Unfortunately I don't remember much after his introduction, I just couldn't suspend my disbelief long enough to put the last of this crap to memory.

 FINAL THOUGHT This was a silly movie based on a silly urban legend written by silly people and staring even sillier people. Except for Half Baked, I thought he was a good addition to this shitfest.

Pontypool

It has been so long since I have seen a horror movie that has made me say "See! They aren't all crap!" which honestly I don't get to say enough. Ah, but Pontypool, you have redeemed the horror genre and thrown up the horns for the Indie film crowd. Pontypool is, for lack of a better term, an absurdist zombie movie. Yay!

 PLOT Dark, snowy, cold as nuts Pontypool Ontario where Honey the cat has been missing until seen last Thursday. What does any of this mean? I actually still do not know but the narrator leads us into the movie with this bit of small town news as our radio jockey drives into work. Pulling to a stop, Grant Mazzy dressed as a ridiculous cowboy is startled by a woman who approaches his car window and disappears repeating the words Mazzy last spoke. Not knowing what to do, Mazzy continues on and arrives at a small radio station manned by "Homecoming Hero" Laurel-Ann and station manager Sydney.

As Grant settles in with the microphone he begins to upset Sydney with some of his old "Shock Jock" tricks until their weather/traffic man Ken calls in and describes a mob scene he is witnessing. There are some "Oh, God no's" and "Oh the humanity's" before Ken is cut off. Hot Diggety Dog, we got ourselves something to talk about now! scrambling for word on the situation, Sydney and young Laurel-Ann filter incoherent calls which end in more "Ahhhhh *clicks*" while Grant airs the singing talents of some white folk dressed as Middle East terrorists, one of whom starts to display some very unusual behavior. Well the Ali Babas or whatever they were called are dismissed and then things get really interesting when the radio signal is hijacked by a broadcast in French when translated warns against terms of endearments and baby talk or something before warning against translating the message into English. Oops, too late.

Ken calls in every few minutes with more obscure news and Laurel-Ann begins to imitate the tea kettle whistle before repeating the word "miss" and then eats her face. It's good fun for all. Our two survivors Sydney and Grant soldier on attempting to either avoid or come to some sort of understanding as to what is happening to the residents of Pontypool.

FINAL THOUGHT For a zombie movie that took place in one room and had a lot of talking, I am in love with Pontypool. Oh, Canada. Only you could be ground zero for a language based zombie virus. I still wonder if damn Honey the cat had something to do with this whole mess.

 

Attack the Block

So a friend scored us tickets to a screening of Attack the Block and first I was hoping it was another British zombie romp but after watching the trailer I discovered it was a British alien romp with that guy from that other movie... the one with the zombies. After a moment of disappointment, I picked up the pieces of my undead heart and headed off on an orange scooter to catch the flick.

PLOT Apparently the South of any City is where the ghettos are located and London is no different. Fireworks are exploding as what I can only assume was on Guy Fawkes day also national mug a girl on the street day as a gang of 5 adolescent chavs hold up poor nurse Sam on her way home. Dicks, right? Well whatever 'cuz something falls from the sky and lands on the car right next to simpering Sam and she runs off. Not bothered by the falling airplane poo or whatever it could have been, Moses, the leader, wiggles his way into the broken car window to lift any valuables. Then holy shit this thing pops out of the glove box... or somewhere (man British cars are confusing) and escapes, but not after giving Moses the best fucking face scars. Well, he's not taking that laying down so they track the critter, kill it and then drag it through the 'hood and up to the "block" (that's what the cool kids call the apartment building, clever.)

As they hang out in a very sexified Nick Frost's pot den there is some marble mouthed dealings going on between Moses and some guy's name I never really did catch and off in the distance little aliens drop from the sky. Lucky it was Guy Fawkes day or the explosions just might rouse some suspicions even if the fiery holes left by the space droppings went completely unnoticed. What didn't go unnoticed was Sam's mugging. Sam and the Police drive around in a little van looking for the hoodlums that mugged her. Well luck for her, the po-po roll up and catch Moses at just the same time the aliens show us what they are really all about, and they are fucking awesome.

Seeking shelter they all end up in the Block, which as the title suggests is now under attack and it is up to these five, slightly unlikable and mildly incoherent kids and one nurse Sam to defend from the onslaught of alien beings.

FINAL THOUGHT The British always seem to get it right. The perfect combination of action, humor, fear, gore, shiny track suits and non human characters. I know the characters were little thieving and drug dealing shits but I couldn't help but root for them over the creatures.

*sigh* I love the British.

OMFG, Really?

And people are surprised?

the good, the bad, THE UGLY

OMFG! You just LEFT the public restroom without making sure that everything did indeed get flushed? And thanks for the random skid mark in the middle, well done!

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

How embarrassing, I am wearing the same thing. right. now.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

I think this image pretty much speaks for itself.

Oh, and happy birthday Liza. I hope it was as magical as this is.

The Human Centipede

I promised myself I would have nothing to do with this film but last night I crumbled. It was either the Gin and Tonics or the persistence of my BF (who actually wanted to see this film) that made this viewing seem like a really good idea. To be honest, I only actually saw about 70% of the movie, the other 30% was me watching the palm of my hand after slapping it to my face. Oh my god, this movie was fucked up.

PLOT Typical way to start any torture film, take a few tourists, put then in Germany (W.T.F. guys, why is is always Germany?) add a wacky doctor and you have the general framework for The Human Centipede.

We open to meet out wacky Doc stroking a photo of three rottweilers who are linked by the bum like a lover would. He gazes at these poor photo-shopped creatures until a trucker pulls over to "drop the kids off" when our doctor shoots him with a tranquilizing gun aaaaaaaaaand roll the title opening and the introduction to our unfortunate tourists. Typical dumb bitches on a European trip getting ready for the disco drive off with shitty directions and don't consider that they are lost until they hit mile marker one million on a dark empty road to nowhere. This is where the torture of the movie actually begins. They get a flat tire and like any typical motorist in the middle of nowhere they get out to look at the flat, they yell at the flat and even kick it for good measure but don't actually change the flat. This isn't even brought up until they exhaust all other methods of not using either brain or muscle matter. Actually, it appears that tire changing is similar to astrophysics for these girls and will not be occurring in this movie and instead they venture off to find help. Kill me now. They don't actually follow the road and instead choose to wander blindly, in heels, through the dark forest. Oh my god they so deserve to be sewn to each others asses.

After all of the possible poor decisions they could possibly make are exhausted, they come across a light in the darkness, fate has brought them to crazy Doctor Sewyourfacetoanass. After being invited in and asking to have a car service called (I know, it hurts) they are inevitably drugged by the kind glass of water the doctor offered them and wake up in medical beds with loose bindings and a fat trucker who is then disposed of for a bit of Asian flair. They cry, plead and beg but much like the flat tire don't try to unbuckle their bindings. So being the dumbasses that they obviously are, they sit through the lesson that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. Doctor Crazyasfuck explains his mouth to ass procedure which is so... gross I have no words to describe how I am feeling. Oh my god, finally one of the stupid tourists starts to realize that this shit is getting real and maybe she should have tried to change the flat tire but will instead nut-up and break free of her feeble bindings which is accomplished in about 10 seconds as the doctor is right next to the bed. Hopefully she was also thinking that she should have tried that sooner but anyway does actually escape but instead of getting help. comes back to retrieve her unconscious friend and wakes up with her friend attached to her ass and an Asian attached to her mouth.

By this point you either turn this crap off or forge ahead as I did. Well, they are not really all that pleased to be in this situation and spend the next 45 minutes crying into one an others back sides while the doctor trains them to get his news paper and eat each others poop. At this point you know that even if they are saved they are still fucked. Perhaps this is the thing that made this movie unbearable, there was really no reversing the operation and returning to normal and therefore escape or revenge upon the doctor is not as sweet as I would wish it to be... and our two American tourists will never realize that changing a tire is no more complicated than setting the VCR to record. Wait, do those still exist?

FINAL THOUGHT If you can't get chicken pox more than once, I will never need to see this movie again... right?

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

A girl, her dog, and his chicken.

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

Hey! By Christmas, great things are coming in bears... in 3D...Do you think the marketing guy was in on this?

...Dunki Nuts... oh I get it.

Best finds in Boston.

Boston Ramble

This weekend we had a mega ramble through Boston with some friends from Tex-ass. A ramble is basically a drinking walking tour through different neighborhoods in the city. Areas we hit included Union Sq., Inman Sq., Harvard Sq., Central Sq., Back Bay, Boston Commons, the South End and then all the way back home.

Shown clockwise is our friend from Tex-ass John with a complete stranger dressed like George Michael; Missy and Daniel; John again with his lady Virginia; and cougar magnet Dereck... I just noticed my friend Ben did not get his picture taken... sorry Ben.


Farmer's market in Union Sq.


Sunflowers in the city


"Nantucket Rapist Island" who knew...


Harvard Sq. & South End


Cheers!

images courtesy of engineer boyfriend's iPhone.

Daily Memory

It's electric
Boogie woogie, woogie

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

This is not so much my experience, but of the friend that I was with.

Recently my friend ended up getting a disastrous hair cut at another salon and was looking for a new place nearby to correct it. Well, this salon is close to our office and we went down to check it out during lunch. What a joke!

We walked in to see only one customer, an elderly lady having her 'helmet" coiffed and no one else. We approached the receptionist who didn't even put down her book when she asked what we wanted not if she could help mind you. Well my friend goes on to ask if they have any stylists who work with curly hair and before she could continue the woman behind the counter who STILL had not put down her book snaps "you don't have curly hair!" when my friend went to explain that it was simply pulled back in a bun the woman then smacks her gums and says "it's not as curly as most people with curly hair." WTF?

The fact that we continued to stay is beyond me as the whole situation just got worse when she continued on her quest to truly provide the WORST customer service in West Roxbury by rambling on about how many years she's worked there (how is that possible with this attitude?) then identifying the nationality of each stylist as if it's the bloody U.N. and finally let us know that my friend is to blame for her bad hair cut.

My friend had been patient and tolerant the whole time with this woman but had enough and when we thanked her she swiveled around in her chair and simply snaps "yeah" as though I could not have figured out that she was ghetto trash.

We left, tore up the business card and looked at each other as though we just couldn't believe what happened. If the receptionist is this crappy, I can't even imagine what a hair cut would look like. Three words; 1) Oh 2)Hell 3)No.

Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

This should come as no surprise to anyone, but I really like mindless action movies, especially ones based on video games and when I heard that Prince of Persia was being adapted I thought “I want to go to there.” Much like my favorite movie, Doom, Prince of Persia: Sands of Time knew what it was and didn’t try to be more than that, it was a light hearted action fantasy with a lot of sand… and Bubble Boy.

PLOT A narrator gets everyone who hasn’t played the video games a little back story about the protagonist who turns out to have been a street urchin named Dastan who the king saw one day and thought that he had moxie and adopted him into the family. Well Dastan grew up with the king’s two moxie deficient sons and like all imaginary families he was welcomed and loved as one of their own. But not all is well in Persia as the neighboring sacred city of Alamut is selling weapons to enemies, like we do, and they plan for an attack that Dastan leads with his monkey wall climbing skills. The city is taken over and Dastan’s brother plans to take the Princess Tamina of Alamut as his bride. Everything goes downhill for Dastan who now holds in his possession a very magical knife that pretty much everyone wants and after he was tricked into gifting his father with a cloak that was made with acid thus killing him, he and Tamina go on the run together.

On the first night of their journey, Dastan discovers that the knife manipulates time. By pressing the jewel at the top, cool swirly things cause the rewind button to be pressed. Thinking that this would be the proof needed to clear his name he could show this to his uncle proving that that this was the reason that the attack on Alamut happened and the weapons were planted to fool the Persians. Tamina who is the guardian of the knife is constantly lifting it from him so that she might bring it to sanctuary where it would be safe from evil doers like Dick Cheney… I mean Dastan’s uncle.

FINAL THOUGHT It was formulaic and fluffy but I have an undeniable urge to watch it again. Prince of Persia, I just can’t quit you.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World can be summed up in one word; Hipster. Whether you love hipsters, hate hipsters, are a hipster or have no clue what a hipster is, one thing is obvious; this movie rocked… or whatever. Scott Pilgrim was created first as a graphic novel which is the neck beard way of saying “comic book” for grown-ups by Canadian Cartoonist Brian Lee O’Malley. Never understanding the concept of comic books (words or pictures people, you can’t have both!) I knew squat about the story but that was unnecessary as I only needed a basic knowledge of Old School video games, Rock and Hipsters and have at least one working eye.

PLOT The plot is simple, Boy likes girl, girl has seven evil exes, boy fights evil exes and how much do you want to bet that someone with a PBR tattoo is thinking “I am totally going to start my own League of Evil Exes.”?

We meet our protagonist Scott Pilgrim Played by Michael Cera who is basically playing Michael Cera, as he is defending his new 17 year old high school girl friend to his fellow Sex Bob-omb band mates (yes, named after the adorable little bomb in Mario Bros.) Ah the flush of new love and an overage hipster with his Asian underage girlfriend. Anyway, Knives Chau, other than having the best name, becomes quickly wrapped up in the glow of older-in-a-band-boyfriend and is instantly Sex Bob-omb’s first and biggest fan. All is working well for our couple until Scott has a dream about a pink haired beauty in rollerblades. Things get complicated for Scott when he discovers that this dream girl is one Ramona Flowers and once he meets her he is immediately smitten… oh poor Knives.

Ramona is perfect for our Scott who is now faced with the task of dumping a high schooler and after “skimming” over an email from one of Ramona’s evil exes that he will have to defeat them in order to get to Ramona or something. The first confrontation occurs at the Battle of the Bands when Mathew Patel arrives to little fan-fair as Scott deleted the email after being to bored to finish reading it but miracle of miracles, a fight ensues and for a waif of a guy Scott turns on his inner Ryu and kicks ass. Adorably with each defeat he earns points and coins ala Mario.

The brilliance of the Evil Exes is that each one is a caricature of someone considered “really cool”. We have the action star/skateboard champ played by the Human Torch. And who knew being a vegan gives you super powers? We’ll our third evil ex did, hey, didn’t he play Superman? Followed by her “curious” phase when she dated a lady followed by two Asian DJ’s and finally, the one that she could never really have.

FINAL THOUGHT This movie is clearly for the younger/Gen-X crowed as everything would be lost on a baby boomer. Scott Pilgrim was a feast, with its nostalgic charm, remarkable action sequences and the magical dialogue the viewer will most certainly see themselves or someone they know in one of these many characters. I am pretty sure that I was Julie Powers, the one with the censored potty mouth.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

It was a bit of a toss up between BAD or UGLY today but just when I thought that Arizona could not get any more heinous, up pops another Bush (the first one) remnant in the form of Dan Quayle's son, Ben. So I am trying to figure out if the man who is the spawn of the worst vice president has any right to to make the claim that Obama is the worst president? Really? I think it is simply time for him to shut-up and sit down.

Little factoid: When we moved to Virginia from London I was told that Ben had been a student the previous year at the middle school I was attending. The reason why was removed not because he was the son of the vice president, but because he was picked on relentlessly by his peers regarding his fathers almost constant moronic moments. I think like "W", Ben may have a few daddy issues of his own he needs to work out. Why can't he do it in therapy or a crack den like a normal person and spare us from being subjected to yet another retarded politician?

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

Best Google random search image E-V-E-R!

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

For those who don't know me, I am vision impaired and have been since high school. That is until my fabulous birthday gift was redeemed. My fabulous and generous and thoughtful boyfriend gave em the gift of sight in the form of Lasik Surgery. Having never been able to afford this operation myself he decided to gift it to me. and what a gift it is, 4 days after the operation I can see already at 20/15 and yell out street signs that are far away to strangers on the street.

If you can stand the smell of smoking eyeball, you too can have corrective laser eye surgery! I realized later that this is why they give you Valium.

The Rose Cocktail

Aptly named for it's rose-like colour and created in the early 1920's, the Rose Cocktail is a sweet summer mix made out of far too many ingredients if you ask me, but it was easy to drink and worthy of a second.

1 oz gin
1/2 oz dry vermouth
1/2 oz apricot brandy
1/4 oz lemon juice
1/4 oz grenadine
Combine the ample amount of ingredients with ice in a cocktail shaker and mix well. Serve in a cocktail glass and garnish with a cherry.

Hepburn Trousers

No one could wear a pair of high waisted slacks like the icon of all icons, Katherine Hepburn. I fell in love with her glamour and moxie the moment I watched Bringing up Baby with the man of my dreams, Cary Grant. After extensive internet searching, I finally found a pattern of her iconic trousers, I only hope I can do them and her justice.