G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I was so excited when I heard they were creating a live action G.I. Joe movie, what could possibly go wrong? I played with the toys as a child with my first grade boyfriend and watched the cartoon on Saturday mornings, this was going to rock… right?

PLOT Irrelevant back story about a Scottish traitor which leads into a modern day irrelevant story about a Scottish traitor, but why did that traitor need to be Christopher Eccleston, the ninth Doctor? Anyway, he was able to take those Nanobots from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” and put them to use in this movie. When Duke who was the guy from “Step Up” and that really annoying Wayans brother don their Army uniforms and are directed to deliver the Nanobot warhead to destination unknown. When they are ambushed by a bunch of baddies in tight leather who Duke recognizes as his Ex, queue the dream sequence of their one time romance.

Whatever, Duke and the Wayans guy get picked up by the Joe’s and then because they were in the cartoon, get randomly and instantly recruited into the G.I. Joe club. Here, Wayans flirts with Scarlet and they say things like “knowing is half the battle” when they catch wind of the evil plan the Nanobots are being used for. Oh, it’s a clever one, they will be used to destroy the Eiffle Tower… mmmkay. Well not if the Joe’s have anything to do with it. Queue the silly running suits.

FINAL THOUGHT Unlike the joy I received watching this animated television show as I child, I felt almost embarrassed to be in the theater for this. And they didn’t include Gung Ho! What is G.I. Joe without the ambiguously gay soldier, seriously. It had action and fake science and tried very hard to take our beloved characters and make them believable, but really just failed to capture the magic of the 1985 franchise. I recommend that you go in with low expectations, or turn it on while you are cleaning out the cat litter.