Babylon A.D.

Reading the comments made on iTunes about how terrible this movie was, I knew I had to get my hands on it. It’s an action flick, it can’t be as bad as they are all saying. As for the ending everyone was complaining about? I was thinking that they just didn’t understand it. Oh, they were so right. It sucked.

monologue introduces us to the future where it is dog eat dog and Vin Diesel will fuck your shit up, I mean, his character's name is Toorop, for crying out loud and this is a movie leading up to the moment of his death. Six days earlier, Vin is slopping through the rain, and I am again startled by the fact that this man may actually be chromosome challenged, once at home he begins cooking up a hearty meal of what looks like a rabbit, when a gaggle of Eastern Europeans bust in his door and hold guns to his head. Due to his steady diet of little bunny FuFu fury, Vin opens up a can of whoop ass and then proceeds to find the man who had ordered the party crashers who happens to be some obscenely large nosed man named Gorsky, named hopefully for Anatoli Gorsky, the Soviet spy, but I don't know if that much thought went into it. Well Mr. Gorsky needs Toorop's services, he must retrieve a girl and bring her to New York within 6 days. No problem for a man who quite possibly has Mosaic Down Syndrome, hey, if Corky can lead a normal life, so can Vin.

It's off to collect Aurora, the package at a convent. Aurora is like four feet tall and is attached to the eternally youthful Michelle Yeoh. To explain something about this movie, nothing is ever explained well or concluded. The best example of this would be the band of dudes in black with motorcycles who are tracking the trio very sporadically throughout. Aurora displays an inconsistent set of abilities that don’t amount to a pile of beans at the end of the film.

They visit Thunderdome where Toorop meets up with a friend who has a broad definition of connections and can get them on some submarine that appears to gather refugees and score them a set of snow bikes and yeti suits. Once at the pick-up point, Toorop and his gang gain access to the sub by clawing at small children and the elderly to get on board, when Aurora has a fucking meltdown and stabs at buttons and passes out. At about this time, Toorop’s Thunderdome friend gets the idea that this crazy bitch is worth a dollar or two and begins to devise a scheme…kinda. When they are sledding through Canada in their Yeti costumes when fighter drones shoot at them and Toorop goes down and then shoots his friend for trying to double cross him.

That evening, the three of them are huddled in a tent doing each other’s hair, and from this point on, Vin is a pussy. The action pretty much ends at the point that Toorop dies in New York, which is where the movie began. Everything after this point goes to shit. Everything stops making any sense, nothing is resolved, plots are introduced and then dropped without explanation and characters are mysteriously written out. All of this happens in the last 15 minutes mind you, so it is a big fat clusterfuck.