Crap I want but don't need

ASICS GT 2140 Trail Running Shoe
Because I believe a new shoe will totally help my running performance on the trails.
Dick's Sporting Goods

Paranormal Activity

Please stop taking us for idiots. Do not make a film with a hand held camera and try to convince us this is the long lost footage of blah blah blah. Some people fell for this con when The Blair Witch Project came out but this is just ridiculous. I saw the trailers and thought, hell yeah, a good ghost movie. Then I watched it.

PLOT So here we have two young yuppies with apparently no responsibilities since they sit around their house all day with a camera the size of a small nation and wax poetic about the supernatural. They try to explain that one is a day trader and the other is a student but neither does anything to prove this except one scene where Katie like, reads a book and says she’s studying. Anyway, Micha the douche bag day trader has gone out and purchased a high end and fucking enormous camera and with prodding from Katie tells her it was worth half of what he made today. Die day trader douche bag!

Apparently Micha bought this camera is to document the paranormal activity Katie says she’s been dealing with since she was 8, but it’s see that she’s upbeat about this longstanding haunting and channels her fear of this entity into some beadwork and knitting a scarf out of acrylic yarn. To add some forward motion to this stagnant puddle of a movie, they meet with some “psychic” who has no purpose in the movie except to say it’s a demon and then hands them the business card of the demonologist who will not be appearing in this movie. Well Katie wants to call the guy but Micha “has a plan” and wants to keep the demonologist out of it. So they set up the camera in the bedroom to film them sleeping and to capture any spooky happenings. Yeah, the most frightening part of this movie was watching these two retards argue about being followed by a fucking demon. Are you kidding me?

FINAL THOUGHT The movie spends an estimated 95% following 2 idiots yell at each other and 5% trying to spook us with their night vision parlor tricks. If you are a pussy and are easily frightened by crappy dramatic improvisation about demonic possession and of sheets being fluffed, this is the movie for you. For all others, buy another ticket to Zombieland and count yourself lucky.

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

Oh thank God! I feel better knowing that this has walked down a runway without an ounce of irony.

Crap I want but don't need

PSP Go
I want it only because my boyfriend got one
Game Stop

Zombieland

Thank you Hollywood for giving me Zombieland, it has been far too long since I have seen a movie that I enjoyed seeing, and this one has zombies in it to boot!

PLOT Well, what else is there to say but zombies have taken over the world and after a humorous slow-mo intro we begin the adventure of Columbus. A college student traveling to Ohio to find his parents and has a list of rules to survive by the most important being Cardio, the Double Tap and Seat Belts. By following these rules our unlikely protagonist found he could survive long enough to run across Tallahassee, an ass kicking southerner who revels in the sport of killing rabid zombies and the endless pursuit of a good Twinkie.

Blah, blah, blah. So along these two travel until they happen upon Wichita and Little Rock, two sisters who con them out of their vehicle and weapons… twice but eventually team up on a trip to Los Angeles’ fun park “Pacific Playland” which is believed to be zombie free. Okay and you know, I can’t say anything else without laying out the entire story and this would be an injustice, especially since I am not funny.

FINAL THOUGHT A humorous story of 4 unlikely people who bond over the destruction of human kind… and Bill Murray. I was not let down by this movie but if you ask me, if this movie was put in the ring with Shawn of the Dead the latter would beat Zombieland to a bloody brain searching pulp, but awesome British comedy aside, this was the first movie that I have watched featuring the acting styling of Woody Harrelson that has not made me want to throw a shoe at his one dimensional head. Seriously, I hate that guy but add a smear of zombie and apparently I become accepting of even the most vile of southern drawlers.

FINAL FINAL THOUGHT Did anyone else notice the uncanny resemblance between Wichita and Ophelia from Brutal Legend the latest creation from video game genius Tim Schaffer?

the good, the bad, THE UGLY

Big Fashion Fail Layaway With Hideous Lycra Accented by Gaudy Shit And Lace
Honestly, I don't even know what to say about this but I bet it would be found in a closet also containing this sexy number:

This is the look of Fall and can be found in a Target near you... or near Somerville Massachusetts which to be honest has the corner of the market when it comes to high end fashion.

Crap I want but don't need

Luvstory Sweater


The Missy


The Arienette
All by Little Houses Clothing

Splinter

Splinter has been out for a year and recently popped up on the SyFy Channel’s “31 Days of Halloween” this past weekend, no worries, I’ve seen it twice since its release. For what it is, Splinter is a scare the piss out of you creature-feature made for cheep and containing a cast of less than six.

PLOT We are introduced to the Splinter fungus/creature rather immediately as we watch a gas station attendant get mauled by a prickly badger or whatever the fuck it is before we meet the relevant cast in this movie. Seth and Polly, our couple du jour are driving into the wilderness on an expected romantic camping trip but a busted tent and a car-jacking put a stop to their plans of sex under the stars. A recently escaped convict and his cracked out paranoid girlfriend stop the couple along the road and after waving a gun around they take refuge in the car and begin to direct Seth and Polly to drive to like Mexico or something. When they hit a splinter bunny or whatever and Dennis the convict pricks his finger on a splinter in the now flat tire and the googly eyed girlfriend has a meltdown and is convinced that the now flat critter in the road is her long dead dog. Seriously kids, drugs fuck you up.

Anyway these bitches roll up to a gas station only to find the corpse of the moderately still living attendant from the intro hanging in the toilet. Looking seriously gross as splinters have burst through his skin, he attacks the bug-eyed meth-headed girlfriend ripping her apart. Really awesome, am I right or what? So, the loving couple and the convict take refuge. The convict gets a bit nutty about trying to save the pieces of his girlfriend and the impossible couple get all scientific about how to do battle against… splinters, while the convict slowly loses his hand to the prickly fungus.

FINAL THOUGHT Seriously creepy for a movie. The magic of this movie came from not only the cast, but from the confinement of these three people fighting against a terribly smart piece of wood. It created a sublime amount of tension between the characters and the creature which progressively became more advanced and horrific as the movie progressed. An absolute recommendation, it just goes to show one does not need a lot of money or a huge cast to produce something terrifying and enjoyable.

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

So, I had a dream about zombies and I actually woke up terrified at 4am. Seriously, zombies are no joke and the ones in my dream meant business. Obviously I've seen too many B-list horror movies, but I wanted to get down to the science behind it all. So I turned to the "Dream Dictionary" it's totally a thing, and typed in ZOMBIE.

DREAM DICTIONARY:
When you see a zombie it has no expression on its face as it just mindless walks around unable to think what to do. Think of real life and situation where you felt like a zombie.

- How do you feel like a zombie right now? Do you feel ill and lacking vitality?
- Did you behave like a zombie yesterday - completely unable to act?
- Do you get bored by some situation in your life or some task?
- Is there anyone who bores you senseless?
- Is your life lacking inspiration right now?

It's like, scientific and stuff.

Crap I want but don't need

Veronica Reis Party sequined dress
Gotta say that is the worst photoshop job I have seen in a long time, but the dress is hot shit
Veronica Reis

vintage 40s MY FAIR LADY leather heels
Sigh, not my size though
Nod to Mod Vintage

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

I was so excited when I heard they were creating a live action G.I. Joe movie, what could possibly go wrong? I played with the toys as a child with my first grade boyfriend and watched the cartoon on Saturday mornings, this was going to rock… right?

PLOT Irrelevant back story about a Scottish traitor which leads into a modern day irrelevant story about a Scottish traitor, but why did that traitor need to be Christopher Eccleston, the ninth Doctor? Anyway, he was able to take those Nanobots from “The Day the Earth Stood Still” and put them to use in this movie. When Duke who was the guy from “Step Up” and that really annoying Wayans brother don their Army uniforms and are directed to deliver the Nanobot warhead to destination unknown. When they are ambushed by a bunch of baddies in tight leather who Duke recognizes as his Ex, queue the dream sequence of their one time romance.

Whatever, Duke and the Wayans guy get picked up by the Joe’s and then because they were in the cartoon, get randomly and instantly recruited into the G.I. Joe club. Here, Wayans flirts with Scarlet and they say things like “knowing is half the battle” when they catch wind of the evil plan the Nanobots are being used for. Oh, it’s a clever one, they will be used to destroy the Eiffle Tower… mmmkay. Well not if the Joe’s have anything to do with it. Queue the silly running suits.

FINAL THOUGHT Unlike the joy I received watching this animated television show as I child, I felt almost embarrassed to be in the theater for this. And they didn’t include Gung Ho! What is G.I. Joe without the ambiguously gay soldier, seriously. It had action and fake science and tried very hard to take our beloved characters and make them believable, but really just failed to capture the magic of the 1985 franchise. I recommend that you go in with low expectations, or turn it on while you are cleaning out the cat litter.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

There is something off about this photo, but I just can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the lighting.

Crap I want but don't need

Tenured Professor Coat


Visiting Lecturer Vest
Mod Cloth

District 9

I know, this is a bit late and you have most likely already seen and loved this movie, and probably for a list of other reasons why. Either you enjoyed it for the political statement or you similarly have an alien hobo village in your country, or if you are like me, you just saw a big awesome sci-fi flick with people who sound funny.

PLOT Much like how my neighborhood began, an alien ship stalled above Johannesburg, that’s in South Africa by the way, and didn’t make like it was going to leave any time soon. So up we go to investigate and find a ship full of aliens who are sick and dying. Given them asylum, a shanty town was created and they located and rehabilitated the “Prawns” in what is referred to as District 9. Over the years these multi-armed creatures allow the village to fall into disrepair and it quickly becomes a slum where alien fights alien for a can of cat food.

People see their property tax fall because let’s get serious, you know you have someone just like this on your block and you bloody hate them, and the government build another reservation further away and gather a group of operatives led by Wikus van de Merwe to get the Prawns relocated to the shiny new District 10. Shockingly, not all of the Prawns are thinking this a good idea and soon Wikus runs into a Prawn who is gathering and storing a mysterious fluid that explodes onto Wikus.

Soon Wikus begins to mutate and in turn finds himself on the other end of the law and joining forces with the Prawns to which he is slowing morphing into.

FINAL THOUGHT This was basically a movie about racism and xenophobia. Using the Prawns as symbolic representations of those we commonly consider as disserving of less humanity than we ourselves receive. It took about an hour for the movie to pick up the pace and reveal itself, but it was worth accidentally buying a ticket for.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

"I'm making a comic for my university, it's usually about stuff that happens there but when there isn't anything fun to draw I make weird stuff like this. I find the weird ones without any real meaning more fun to make as well as watch."
~Vargas

Hey, to each his own right?

This piece of Bad Art was discovered within the pages of The Artists Corner

Crap I want but don't need

Start It Up Pant
Lululemon

kimono sleeve dress with pleated runner
Liza Rietz

Deadgirl

Part zombie movie, part brutal rape movie, Deadgirl was either a clever horror film or a tribute to the works of Leonard Lake and Charles Ng, because there was no other reason this movie should have been made. I spent most of the movie feeling ashamed for watching it and the other half seriously pissed off by the callous actions of these seemingly everyday boys.

PLOT Skipping class, Rickie and J.T., two slacker high school students in appropriate hipster attire decide to break into the local run down asylum which we appear to have an abundance of in this country. They smash shit up to a soundtrack in their heads whilst drinking cheep beer and smoking and then they begin to explore the endless hallways that run under the hospital. It is here they break into the boiler room where they find a body of a naked woman tied to a table. Discovering that she is alive, they argue about getting help for her but J.T. thinks it would be best to just keep her tied to the table so he can continually rape her, you know, because while he was beating the shit out of her he discovered she can’t die so it’s really the only logical option.

It’s a whole morality issue for Ricky who tries to make his friend see reason and release the dead girl, but while she’s getting plowed by a couple of jocks she bites one. Turns out she is not too dissimilar to a zombie and can make other zombies or “dead girls” if she bites you. See, J.T. isn’t a pig after all, I mean she’s a zombie and therefore kinda deserves it, right?

FINAL THOUGHT I can see where this was intended to be thought provoking, since the girl on the table could not be killed, she is technically not alive and therefore is not to be considered a human making an ethical argument. But from what I can tell, it was really just a movie about boys wanting a sex slave and using a loophole to make it acceptable. For revenge, rent Teeth.

I'm Back!

After a long work induced hiatus, I am back. A bit dusty, but ready to boggle you with my tasteless posts.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

I didn't know goths were ironic.

Crap I want but don't need

Absinth - One piece bathing suit
L.A. Drama Queen

SASSY (print 04 of 60)
Autumn & Eve

Beowulf

Other than a tape recording of a reading of Beowulf in Gaelic, a language where all I know how to say is “kiss my ass,” I remembered very little about the fable of the great Danish hero who defeated Grendel. Upon watching this CGI film, I clearly didn’t remember the story at all however desired to have been more familiar with to at least make a fair comparison between the two. I was not particularly interested in watching this movie partially due to its needless use of computer generated characters. It was however much more enjoyable than I would have thought, but it was rather useless to have made the whole thing animated, I was lost in the chiclet teeth.

PLOT Beowulf is the story of a Viking hero named Beowulf who has come to the aid of King Hrothgar and his village which has been under attack by a beast known as Grendel. Grendel is similar to my upstairs neighbor in that every noise she hears throws her into a crazy cat lady fury and she comes tearing through my condo eating my party guests. With the promise of much gold Beowulf arrives with his ginger friend and promises to rid the village of the monster. One the eve of his battle, they throw a party and Beowulf flirts with the queen before deciding that a fair battle is one that requires him to be naked.

With the death of Grendel, revenge is desired by the mother and Beowulf quickly sets of to defeat the witch but instead of slaying her, he strikes a deal with offers too great to refuse. With the curse of the witch placed upon his head, Hrothgar gives him the thrown and the burden of his conscience.

FINAL THOUGHT Not familiar with the tale, I knew the gist of it and I thought the movie did a fine job not just telling the tale, but revealing the characters. They were clever in writing it so that Grendel was sympathetic and that the humans were in fact the monsters for misunderstanding him and the mythical character of Beowulf was fallible, flawed and quite an unreliable narrator rather than a standard hero. I was pleased with the film and enjoyed it quite a bit, but was constantly distracted with the CGI. There was little to the effects that required a strictly digital cast and the computerized characters themselves were dead ringers for the actors whose voices were used.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

I know, you are probably thinking that I put this up to make fun of the Twilight themed tattoo permanently branded on this fine example of someone I would like to think is from fly-over country who will eventually learn to regret her decision when she realizes that they were merely a series of poorly written books by a Mormon about vampires or when she gets fatter because it will look like a bloody mess. But in fact, I am more aghast with her enormous pit stains. Yikes.

Crap I want but don't need

Til the wolves are away
I have a thing for creepy images
Prints by Ali Aschman

Hello Little Bird Print
Erin Zam

S. Darko

I can’t say that we really needed a sequel to Donnie Darko but apparently some thought we did. There was a magic to Donnie Darko that wasn’t captured in Samantha’s story. They tried to use the same premise and made an attempt at the visual style that made the original so appealing, but in the end the only thing that was accomplished was a straight to DVD production.

PLOT The story picks up with Samantha Darko seven years after the death of her brother as she and her best friend hop in a car and make their way to California. Along the way they experience the inevitable, and breakdown in Utah where they meet a James Dean wannabe who helps get their car repaired and a hotel to stay in. Once in town, the dreamy Samantha and the rebellious Corey begin to grow apart as Corey finds company with the James Dean guy and Sam begins to sleepwalk. While in her sleepwalking state, a future version of herself appears to a shell shocked soldier from Desert Storm and tells him the world will end in 4 days, 17 hours, 26 minutes and 31 seconds yadda yadda yadda.

Shortly after this prophesy is made, a meteor strikes the very windmill where Mr. Post Traumatic Stress was sitting and thus beginning the story where time travel is indeed possible as long as you are willing to make a sacrifice to make things right.

FINAL THOUGH Where the movie was not outright crappy, it didn’t exactly make any damn sense. Alone it would just be an unusual Science Fiction story, but compared to its predecessor, it was a disappointment. The cast was flimsy at best, and the story line fell victim to a multiple personality disorder trying to use elements from Donnie and trying to write a standalone movie. If you are a Darko fan I would warn you to stay away from this as it will have you questioning your commitment to Sparkle Motion.