The Day the Earth Stood Still

…Long enough to waste my time with this crapfest. By the time the credits rolled, I experienced trauma induced amnesia and am not able to recollect the horror of the two hours I spent viewing this peach of a film. I will do my best to recollect and reconstruct my fragmented memories to alert you of this movie so that you will not make the same mistake I did by watching it.

At some point in time, an alien race decided to study our planet and the effects we have on it and in a plan to collect the samples or blow us up, they steal the DNA of a mountain climber. I believe this must be due to fact that if you are an alien and you plan to come to earth, there is no better disguise than Keanu Reeves. Whoa.

Now we are in the present and a giant orb is coming at us and a crack team of scientists who consist of one Jennifer Connelly (who is also a single mother who’s stepson is played by Jaden Smith who I would like to believe has “The Fresh Prince is my daddy, bitch” on constant replay in his head,) are pulled together to figure out a survival plan, and they have only 78 minutes to do it. Whoa. Everyone’s time is wasted due to something I care little about and the sphere lands in Central Park where all space waste lands and out steps Keanu and a huge fucking robot who turns out to be the only part of this movie I liked. A Republican caught wind that the alien was going to prove the existence of Global Warming and Keanu is shot. Whoa.

Keanu is taken to hospital to recover and his robot buddy is taken away for study. While recovering and being questioned, J-Con helps him to escape to Jersey of all places. Well Klaatu begins to send off the animals two by two to begin life on another planet I assume, but after talking to a fellow alien and has a heart to heart with John Cleese and decides that Earth needs to live. We have been sufficiently scared by the big threatening robot man and see the error of our ways and will all buy green and begin to recycle and will hug their neighbor instead of stabbing them, you know, like we did in Ghostbusters 2. But the robot dissolves into destructive bugs and begins to devour the earth. Whoa.

While New York and surrounding areas are being devoured by the bugs that can DEVOUR EVERYTHING, Our heroes are protected by a Footbridge. So J-Con convinces Klaatu to turn off his robot and we all live happily ever after. Whoa.

After watching this movie, the idea of being devoured by nano-bugs seemed like a pleasant idea. So now that you have been warned, I can sleep easier.