PLOT Typical way to start any torture film, take a few tourists, put then in Germany (W.T.F. guys, why is is always Germany?) add a wacky doctor and you have the general framework for The Human Centipede.
We open to meet out wacky Doc stroking a photo of three rottweilers who are linked by the bum like a lover would. He gazes at these poor photo-shopped creatures until a trucker pulls over to "drop the kids off" when our doctor shoots him with a tranquilizing gun aaaaaaaaaand roll the title opening and the introduction to our unfortunate tourists. Typical dumb bitches on a European trip getting ready for the disco drive off with shitty directions and don't consider that they are lost until they hit mile marker one million on a dark empty road to nowhere. This is where the torture of the movie actually begins. They get a flat tire and like any typical motorist in the middle of nowhere they get out to look at the flat, they yell at the flat and even kick it for good measure but don't actually change the flat. This isn't even brought up until they exhaust all other methods of not using either brain or muscle matter. Actually, it appears that tire changing is similar to astrophysics for these girls and will not be occurring in this movie and instead they venture off to find help. Kill me now. They don't actually follow the road and instead choose to wander blindly, in heels, through the dark forest. Oh my god they so deserve to be sewn to each others asses.
After all of the possible poor decisions they could possibly make are exhausted, they come across a light in the darkness, fate has brought them to crazy Doctor Sewyourfacetoanass. After being invited in and asking to have a car service called (I know, it hurts) they are inevitably drugged by the kind glass of water the doctor offered them and wake up in medical beds with loose bindings and a fat trucker who is then disposed of for a bit of Asian flair. They cry, plead and beg but much like the flat tire don't try to unbuckle their bindings. So being the dumbasses that they obviously are, they sit through the lesson that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. Doctor Crazyasfuck explains his mouth to ass procedure which is so... gross I have no words to describe how I am feeling. Oh my god, finally one of the stupid tourists starts to realize that this shit is getting real and maybe she should have tried to change the flat tire but will instead nut-up and break free of her feeble bindings which is accomplished in about 10 seconds as the doctor is right next to the bed. Hopefully she was also thinking that she should have tried that sooner but anyway does actually escape but instead of getting help. comes back to retrieve her unconscious friend and wakes up with her friend attached to her ass and an Asian attached to her mouth.
By this point you either turn this crap off or forge ahead as I did. Well, they are not really all that pleased to be in this situation and spend the next 45 minutes crying into one an others back sides while the doctor trains them to get his news paper and eat each others poop. At this point you know that even if they are saved they are still fucked. Perhaps this is the thing that made this movie unbearable, there was really no reversing the operation and returning to normal and therefore escape or revenge upon the doctor is not as sweet as I would wish it to be... and our two American tourists will never realize that changing a tire is no more complicated than setting the VCR to record. Wait, do those still exist?
FINAL THOUGHT If you can't get chicken pox more than once, I will never need to see this movie again... right?
