Say it ain't so John Tesh Jr.

Pat O'Brien? You mean that guy that is like a John Tesh Jr. on Insider, only not an alien and he doesn't have a strange cult and he doesn't make elevator music for people who are waiting for the mother ship to arrive is caught for doing what? First Pat takes off to rehab, then we learn about his sexually explicit voicemails and he sent a picture of himself masturbating to his plaything "Betsy," Whoa there buddy, now no one wants to receive that in the mail from anyone. How would you like it if some old crotchety man stroking his jimmy slipped you his little Kodak moment into your mail box. Think about it Pat, just roll it around on your tongue for a while like a fine wine. Do you see what I see Pat? Yeah, it's not cool.

But he has given me the most priceless of all quotes: A source tells us he used to refer to a gay African-American senior producer at "Access Hollywood" as "the Fruit Monkey."

what a twat.

I just thought I would share this

In no way does this have any relevance to life at all, but this memory popped into my mind as I was thinking about my chapstick this morning. I used to date this guy, aside from being the worst human being on the planet (he knows who he is) he once thought that he was a wrestler and in thinking this, he smeared vasoline all over his body for that body glissen that is so glisseny on all wrestlers. I would just like to say that doing this was stupid, and unless you want to slide easily through small air ducts this is quite useless. And now when I apply my gloss every morning I will remember this fool and that vasoline is a bitch to remove.

Another competition where someone is jettisoned into reality TV obscurity

starlet-header
Originally uploaded by Frankiepancakes.

So last night after the days worth of the week long marathon of CSI on Spike ended, I turn to my next favorite past time which is flipping stations. It was very lucky that I did this or I would have missed out on the WBs version of America's Next Top Model, but instead of wannabe models, these are wannabe actresses vying for a chance to be launched into stardom by competing on a reality TV show in order to get a coveted spot on the WBs series One Tree Hill. Wait... did the record just scratch and the music has come to an end, Or did I just hear that these girls are clawing each other to death for something that is no more important than a douch commercial, does anyone over the age of 15 really give a shit about that show? However I was so pleasantly pleased by the cattyness of the girls on this show. Wow, them actresses is bitches! Seriously, when has a reality TV show launched anyone into more that 15 minutes of fame, and by fifteen minutes I really mean just that, the last fifteen minutes after a winner has been named and then it's over. Or if you're lucky enough, as in my favorite show ANTM, I think they caught on to the fact that we are still asking ourselves "Where is Yohanna?" and "Is there only The Surreal Life to fall back on?" So they removed the orange monster that is Jay Manuel and his make-up tip of the week (seriously, I received no help except a shameless plug for cheap and smelly make-up from Cover Girl) and they inserted the last winner Eva PIGford (I hope she changes her name,) you know, to proove that she is famous and actually does stuff, and by stuff, I think the only thing she does and the only thing keeping her in our minds are these stupid Tip of the Week replacements. So any way, no matter who wins this Starlet competition, no one watches OTH that really matters, and this person will forever be known as "and staring the winner of 'The Staret' Jane Doe." Do you get me?

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast-off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Next Week on ANTM

Where I would love to address some of the America's Next Top Models of the past, that just won't do, we had the girl who passed out, and last week they made the girl who looks like a fish, actually look like a fish and then they bash her for it.

1. One of the participants contracts a horrifying, contagious skin condition that disfigures her face, and the other models are sent into a complete panic.

2. The girls are transformed using the miracle of make-up for a "Got Milk?" ad.

Say what!? A flesh eating bacteria that disfugures? that is SO going to fuck up her modeling carrer, but her wrestling carrer is still on track. Is there a prerequisite to having strange diseases to be on this show? Not only do they all come in and tell their tragic life stories in hopes that someone will take pity on them and transport them into wherever one is transported after being a contestant on a reality television show. But they make us suffer through their insufferability, what with the mush mouth, and all the walking and squeeling every time Jay Manuel (AKA: the most orange form of space that is just being wasted) and now? Good god... MELTING FLESH!

Let's see there was season one where a contestant suffered from insufferable bible thumping.

Season two, adorable girl with Lupus

Third season there not only was retinitis pigmentosa, but an unavaiodable urge for her to CONSTANTLY bring it up... a lot.

Now I thought we had it made with the girl who colapses, but this totally takes the cake. So let's see, Missing neck... check, XXY chromosome... check, Flesh eating virus... check and check.

I should have your job!

I'm a graphic designer and I mostly spend my time designing things for other people. There are however times where I get artwork for a job from another artist. This translates to me spending 8 hours correcting image size and colours, reconstructing poor logos and wondering how a person can remember to breath every day but doesn't send any images to use (I don't know if this make sense to people not in the design field.) Recently I got a file, I'm not saying who sent it because he does not deserve to have the job he has, and I refuse to play fix-it girl for people who suck, so we'll call him Mr. Suck. Well Mr. Suck sends the artwork, without sending artwork and he needs to create what we call "bleed" this is where the used image or colour runs over the edge of the page for 1/8th of an inch, so that when the product gets cut to size there is no white edge. We call Mr. Suck and say "Dude, how was the ride on the short bus this morning? What the fuck is this crap? This only get's me closer to wasting more of my life on dickheads who call themselves designers." So long story short, he sent files, Well yeah they are useless ofcourse but I don't have the energy to spend my time fixing what he can't do in order to keep him employed.

Venting complete.

The UG

Ugg
Originally uploaded by Frankiepancakes.

Okay, I told myself that I would not let this blog of mine be subject to the same thing thousands of other blogs are dedicated to, and that would be celebrities at their worst. I do have to admit that quite a few of those blogs I have bookmarked. But this I could not ignore.

I would just like to address Mischa Barton, for those you who do not know Misha, she is part of the cast on the OC, and the missing link in the background is her boyfriend Brandon Davis, He is no one actually, I have no idea who he is except he is apparently very rich... and has bitch tits. Mischa, you date a man with bitch tits. That is really all I feel is neccesary to say right now to her.

I have a game, let's play "what are talking about right now". I'll go first:

BRANDON: Why can't I sit with you?

MISCHA: People may see you, remember I'm famous, What if there where people lurking around this private resort right now taking pictures of us? Now wouldn't it be embarasing to see these pictures of us looking creepy in our bathing suits all over the internet for anyone to see? Making fun of us? Wouldn't that suck?

BRANDON: ...

Okay, wasn't that fun!?