the good, the bad, THE UGLY

"I have been doing a series for an attempt at a gallery. These are just the sketches. The final product turns out huge."
~Foulmouth

For all we know, he is trying to get into the MOBA and we should all go a little easier on him.




This piece of Bad Art was discovered within the pages of The Artists Corner

Crap I want but don't need

3 Piece Monogrammed Towel Set Sydney
The Southern Pineapple

Lettuce - Custom Sized Shirt
Hotelle Motelle

Brooch Red Spring
Intres

The Broken

From Horrorfest III comes The Broken which could have also been called Invasion of the Body Snatchers: Through the Looking Glass. The movie was atmospherically brilliant, the de-saturated and monochromatic use of colours, a soundtrack made up of dissonant crescendos, but S-L-O-W. I can appreciate a well paced psychological horror, as long as the plot moves in a direction toward a climax.

The main character is Gina, a radiologist with a French boyfriend, a younger brother and an American dad who works for the Embassy in London. Gina plans a surprise birthday for her father who is but two weeks from retirement and nearly sends him to an early grave by scaring the prune juice out of him when they cry their “Surprise!” the party of Gina and her brother, along with their partners sit at the dining table going over the good old days with dear dad when the mirror over the credenza breaks and crashes to the ground.

The next day, Gina wakes and bathes and as she wipes the steam from the mirror, we watch as a doppelganger on the other side does the same. Gina heads off to work and her mirror crashes to the ground and we see that another Gina steps out. It isn’t until she sees herself drive past her in her own car that we begin our cinematic journey into horror, only the writer forgot to add the element of horror to the story, but let’s not talk about that now. Gina follows the car into an apartment building and up to the apartment. We next see Gina driving away when she is struck head on by another car and wakes up in hospital with no memory of the accident.

As she heals, she sees fragments of her last day and a third person view of a super slow-mo crash sequence. She becomes convinced that her boyfriend is not her boyfriend, which was not too difficult to figure out since you see him do nothing but stand expressionless in a sweater vest. After this point, the movie forgets to add tension or terror and even fails to make sense. The twist at the end was the climax of the movie and was so subtle, you might miss it. But you will probably figure it out after 45 minutes and wait 45 minutes more to see how it is unveiled.

I did enjoy the movie even though I felt as though I had already seen it. It was slow and was more of a drama than anything else. I would have liked it more if it had used a few more horror clichés.

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

The Kitchen where my munchies are stored and since I can't cook, it's a room for decoration purposes only and I spent very little time in there at all.

Once I built the table and broke up the clutter in the corner I now refuse to leave this room. I have diner every night at the bar and watch crappy shows on Hulu and pour myself endless glasses of wine. I can honestly say that this is something I should have done a long time ago. The real magic isn't that the counters are clean though, but the cabinets have been scrubbed and reorganized.

Crap I want but don't need

Letterpress Recipe Cards and Recipe Box
1 Canoe 2

will KNIT for food tank top
Blood, Sweat & Ink

Machinist's Clockwork Gear Pendant
Xylocopa

Race to Witch Mountain

For some unknown reason I have a soft spot for The Rock also credited as Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson but now that he is a respectable actor he is going by Dwayne Johnson. I miss the use of his wrestling name in quotations but I don’t have time to dwell while I am being blinded by his big shiny white smile. I recall seeing the trailer for this movie while watching Bolt in 3D with a bunch of geeks who jizzed in their pants when the minute and 30 second trailer began to play. Never having seen the original or read the book, I didn’t give a shit.

Well, drawn in by Dwayne’s hypnotic white grill I had to see what the excitement was about. It was an average action/adventure movie suited for a family with wee little ones, not for a thirty-something with a zombie addiction.

The introduction floods us with headlines of UFO sightings and past Presidents yammering away about aliens or blue dresses or something. When a couple of Storm Troopers climb into the back of a cab driven by Jack “The Rock” Bruno. Seems that Planet Hollywood is hopping in Vegas which must be due to a very considerable advertising and product placement budget. The only other fare we see is that of Dr. Alex Friedman, a washed up scientist that makes a buck by touring UFO conventions and tries to legitimize UFO sightings to dudes in Star Wars costumes. She throws him a pamphlet and tells him to come in and enjoy the show while she’s there.

The next day, Jack “The Rock” Bruno gets in a scuffle with two big dudes who are hired muscle, this part of the story never really completes itself so just ignore the tangent and focus on the aliens in the back seat of his cab. Obviously Seth and Sara are the aliens that were involved in the large UFO crash that no one but the military knows about. Handing Jack “The Rock” Bruno a wad of cash for his driving abilities they hire him to take them into the desert. All the while, the military is using some master computer to zero in on their precise location in a manner of seconds, where were they when we were looking for W.M.D.’s?

Shortly after this part the shit hits the fan. Jack “The Rock” Bruno drives them to the desert where they are chased by the military dudes in gas guzzling SUVs. They lose them due to some awesome trick Seth does where he goes through solid matter and stops the gas guzzler with his hand. Once at their destination, the kids pick up the results of their parents science experiment that has been placed in a glowing blob in a cellar over run by foliage. It is here that the intergalactic assassin appears to prevent the kids from returning to their planet with the information that was gathered in the giant blob.

After this there is an endless stream of sparks, a lot of running, and telepathy. It’s a family movie so it ended happily without a drop of blood. I am still muddling over in my mind whether I liked it or not. I thought it was fun without being too taxing on my brain, but still lacking something, it was like it was like eating French fries without the ketchup, it’s good, but better with condiments.

Daily Memory

We bailed on Pub Trivia tonight due to the onslaught of people searching deep into their heritage to find any drop of Irish blood they can. I stayed home and Google Mapped my old home in London.

For all who may be curious, yes I did try to "Get Directions". No dice.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

So with my boyfriend away in the North Pole making toys for all the little boys and girls, I wait for the short and rare opportunities that we get to communicate. Imagine my surprise when my honey takes a break from his toy soldier making to send me a sweet and romantic email.

I see it's from him and my heart stops.

This is what he sent me.

Totally not funny.

Crap I want but don't need

Primitive Country Wooden Over the Sink Shelf
but I think that I will construct something like this myself
USA Creations

Lime Blobby Bottle Stopper
Loki Monkey

Very Tiny Lovebirds Necklace
Joanna Rutter

Let The Right One In

I had heard very little about this movie until I was trolling Target for a trash can and a wine rack when I walked through the media center and there it was, in a shinny case with lovely lenticular cover. Being me, and knowing it was a vampire movie in Swedish, I totally had to buy it. I figured I could watch it while I organize and scrub cabinets.

The only thing I was disappointed with was that it was dubbed and not in Swedish. This was done I assume because it is hard to take anything seriously when it is spoken in Swedish. Seriously, have you ever heard that language? It is silly German. Based on a book, this is an interesting twist to the vampire genre.

We are introduced to Oskar a 12 year old who could pass as an albino if it weren’t for his eyes. This kid is so blond it is nearly translucent. Oskar is getting picked on in school by a little boy who will grow up and ethnically cleanse an entire continent. But at night Oskar pretends to stab said bully with a little girly knife. But when you are getting bullied anything sharp is comforting. One night while Oskar is stabbing at the air in his tighty-whities, a car pulls up to the apartment building with an old man and a young girl. The man has some silly Swedish name, so I’ll just call him Ikea. Ikea turns out to be the handler of the little vampire girl, his job is to protect her and feed her. This is accomplished with less than stellar grace as we see him clumsily string up and drain a man in the park, and is then chased away by neighborhood dog without any of the blood he collected.

Oskar meets the androgynous girl in the playground and is introduced as Eli. Eli brushes off a friendship with Oskar but shows up again the next night smelling funny due to her hunger and asking about Oskar’s Rubix Cube. Driven by hunger Eli is left to find food, while her handler begins to feel inadequate at caring for her.

Eli, who incidentally is technically a boy in the novel but has been castrated, slowly builds a bond with Oskar. There are moments in the movie when she refers to herself and not really being a girl, but it is assumed that she is referring to her vampirism. Eli and Oscar form an almost romantic relationship, they tap Morse code messages on the walls to one another, and Eli becomes his protector from the bullies. When Ikea is cornered trying to obtain more blood for Eli when he pours acid over his face to protect her since people in the town can trace him to her, Eli’s safety is in jeopardy. She can stay with her friend Oskar and be hunted by suspicious citizens, or move on.

It was an oddly romantic story that was well paced and not what you would expect.

Daily Memory

Okay, so this isn't so much a "Daily Memory" as it is a statement of fact. I work at an undisclosed company and actually enjoy it, but lately I have inherited one of those "4 o'clock customers" you know, the kind you don't hear from until you are about to head out the door, thus causing you to work late EVERY NIGHT! Anyway, I have found the solution, surprisingly enough it is not zombie related. I know what you are thinking, "has she gone mad?" and the zombie population begins to riot. It happens to be raw fish related and sushi affiliated. It is none other than the Dynamite Roll. I have no bloody idea what's inside it, but a tempura shrimp and spicy tuna is definitely involved.

So if you suffer from a "4 o'clock customer" as I do, treat yourself to a bottle of South African white wine and a Dynamite Roll followed up by a show on the CW and watch your stress melt like snow that's being peed on.

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

This is the love shack, where the magic happens, and the clutter builds. This heinous pit is the bedroom sans redecoration.

As you can see, it is so nice. And to think, under all of that crap was the dog I thought I lost.

Crap I want but don't need

Vintage Flower and Key necklace
Eden Park Jewelry

Cherry Cordial necklace
Tryst by Kerry

Fear Dot Com

Winding down from a night of redecorating, it was time to check out what was on the ‘ol Netflix Instant movie queue. Going right for the horror genre, I am sliding through their new releases and “features” then like a holy beacon of light, the crappiest of movies pops onto my page. I remember seeing this movie when it first came out and thinking “crap, that was really bad” and for nothing other than shits and giggles, I throw it into my list, bump it to the top and get that bitch streaming through my Xbox so I can enjoy this apocalyptic mess.

Time was not kind to Fear Dot Com , this movie was actually better when it was called The Ring, but Stephen Dorff had to make a buck since his name was becoming less of a box office draw. Where to begin… Well the short of it is that viewers to the redundant site of “feardotcom.com” die after 48 hours of their worst fear. Good news is, the only people who saw it where living in the city passing itself off as New York, and there were only five of them.

Once upon a time, Stephen Dorff was working a case where the guy from The Crying Game decided to throw away his principles and act in this movie as a serial killer who would abduct and torture young blond women on camera. The torture would then be put on the internets so that subscribers could feed their nasty little habit for a snuff film. Dorff could never catch this guy because he never used the same website twice. What the fuck does that have to do with the price of rice in China? Anyway, this killer known as “the Doctor” probably because he had a stethoscope or a white coat, abducted another girl. If you ask me, she had it coming, her acting for those brief minutes was so bad, I felt tortured.

Well about this time a site called “feardotcom.com” is lurking around the intertubes waiting for a viewer. This viewer was some wrinkly useless guy who jumped in from of a metro train chasing after an extra from Village of the Damned. Lucky he was clutching the book that would reveal the mystery behind feardotcomdotcomdotcom.com. Dorff is on the scene and notices the look of terror on the man’s face and the blood bleeding from his eyes. He just got hit by a train so the fact he has a face surprises me. When he gets to the precinct, a young German punk kid is brought in ranting and raving… and bleeding from the eyes! Holy fuck, we need the department of health here STAT!

While investigating the punk kid’s extra enormous faux New York flat, the Health Department shows up in the form of that long haired chick from Ronin. FYI, the health department didn’t show up in as much as a medical mask, so much for containment. This is how disease is spread people! Oh, and there is a corpse in the bath. So the Bitch with Crystal Gale Hair finds a film camera, luckily those nutty Germans filmed EVERYTHING! While reviewing the tape, they see the happy German couple, frolicking around a faux Central Park, static, now they are visiting a mysterious web site, static, now they are going crazy, the camera cuts off.

It is decided that it is not a Health Department issue, but Crystal Gale Hair doesn’t leave when the job doesn’t need her services. She’s in too far, she must see this through, besides, her ambiguously defined boss is bleeding from the eyes! Oh, and “The Doctor” is still cutting a bitch in a hidden location.

Believing that the book dead dude #1 was holding will explain what is going on. They find the author getting head in a dirty ass bar, who explains that the theory behind the book is seriously so retarded I don’t remember, but it had something to do with the possibility of a website that could cross dimensions. And the netherworld applied for the domain name feardotcom.com. sure.

After telling Dorff not to visit the site, the dumb ass does and has a wild acid trip. And through a vivid hallucination he sees one of “The Doctor’s” victims. And flips out getting hospitalized, when Crystal Gale Hair decides to ignore HIS warning, and visits the site. An attractive blond appears “Do you want to hurt me?” “Do you want to watch”. This is a fear site? Well, she gets the same flashes and now it’s a raced against the clock to find this bitch. Dorff knows it’s the last victim of “The Doctor” that he knew of. Using their detective minds, they find the girl’s mother who weaves a tale of her beautiful hemophiliac daughter who by the way has a German accent?

Whatever, Crystal Gale Hair heads out to find the corpse of “whatever her name is” in the steel mill.. Because if a mere scratch can cause you to bleed to death, the only rational place to play WOULD have to be the abandoned steel mill. Meeting a creepy lady in the mill who points into the water where the body is… seriously? She couldn’t get up and tell someone earlier? The body is recovered and they all believe they are saved.

Nope, you remember in The Ring how no one gets off that easily. Apparently “whatever her name is” has been calling out for help through feardotcomdotcomdotcom.com Duh. She has been trying to warn us that “The Doctor” was killing again. They find “The Doctor” in a water tower looking thingie, a fight breaks out, “The Doctor” goes down…and takes Dorff with him. Curse broken, evil doer done away with, and Crystal Gale Hair goes home alone to hang out with her flat faced cat.

Well that was fun.