Camp Rock

We all knew this was going to happen one day or another. I sat down for a Disney Chanel Original Movie. Oh yeah, that just happened. At first I was a bit overwhelmed where to start, I had not one but three High School Musical movies to choose from and this bad boy. I made it through five minutes of HSM so this was the obvious next choice. Making fun of this made-for-TV movie is a bit too easy, but I did watch it and therefore must review it.

We meet our main bitch Mitchie while she is dancing, hyper posing and lip sinking in her room while getting dressed for the last day of school. I thought I was dying most mornings, but if she has the spastic energy of a chipmunk at 6:00am more power to her I guess. Well from this display we glean that she has musical talent and does indeed want to rock, but alas, her parents are of humble salaries and are not able to afford the prestigious Camp Rock. Mitchie pouts because life is unfair, but in two seconds she is smiling like a god damn lunatic.

Since the movie is called Camp Rock we can deduce that she will be participating in the rocking activities in some capacity or another. So when she returns from school or work or whatever her poor slave driving family is making her do, they inform her that the camp chose her mother’s catering company to supply the food for the campers and Mitchie can join the camp as long as she works in the kitchen as well. I give this an “A” for predictability and for impossibility but whatever. So they roll into Camp Rock, with Mitchie hanging out the window like a dog and drinks in the splendor of the camp where she will indeed learn to rock. It is unbelievable that the camp is even functioning with a staff of one, a total of 50 campers and a full time catering service, I slap myself as I remember this is Disney and I move on.

Again as predictability would have it, an anorexic popular girl arrives by limo as she is the daughter of an absent pop star mother and the popular tween band “Connect 3”(aka: the Jonas Brothers) is having trouble with their dreamy front man, Shane. As he is the nephew of the owner of Camp Rock, he is sent there as punishment for his devilish ways and to straighten up and teach the kids a thing or two about being a tween pop star and about wearing skinny jeans.

Since Mitchie wants to fit in more than anything else in this whole wide world, she lies about who her family is, saying her mother is the CEO of the Japanese office of some MTV rip off music channel. She instantly is invited to hang with the pop princess and Mitchie smiles again like a freak. So Mitchie spends the rest of the movie smiling like a cracked out Cheshire cat and trying to disguise her relation to the “lunch lady” and singing the same song over and over with different melodies. The campers do a few synchronized dance routines, randomly burst into song while being accompanied by invisible instruments, jam by the lake and practice for the end of summer rockfest.

Turns out that the pop princess is an insecure bitch, Shane overhears Mitchie sing her one and only song and spends the rest of the movie looking for “the voice” but falls for Mitchie who was “the voice” all along, squee! Mitchie’s true identity is revealed but she learns to “rock” through the embarrassment and participates is a poorly choreographed final dance routine.

Oh Disney, I hope you never stop churning out tweenage whores to do your bidding.