Fear Dot Com

Winding down from a night of redecorating, it was time to check out what was on the ‘ol Netflix Instant movie queue. Going right for the horror genre, I am sliding through their new releases and “features” then like a holy beacon of light, the crappiest of movies pops onto my page. I remember seeing this movie when it first came out and thinking “crap, that was really bad” and for nothing other than shits and giggles, I throw it into my list, bump it to the top and get that bitch streaming through my Xbox so I can enjoy this apocalyptic mess.

Time was not kind to Fear Dot Com , this movie was actually better when it was called The Ring, but Stephen Dorff had to make a buck since his name was becoming less of a box office draw. Where to begin… Well the short of it is that viewers to the redundant site of “feardotcom.com” die after 48 hours of their worst fear. Good news is, the only people who saw it where living in the city passing itself off as New York, and there were only five of them.

Once upon a time, Stephen Dorff was working a case where the guy from The Crying Game decided to throw away his principles and act in this movie as a serial killer who would abduct and torture young blond women on camera. The torture would then be put on the internets so that subscribers could feed their nasty little habit for a snuff film. Dorff could never catch this guy because he never used the same website twice. What the fuck does that have to do with the price of rice in China? Anyway, this killer known as “the Doctor” probably because he had a stethoscope or a white coat, abducted another girl. If you ask me, she had it coming, her acting for those brief minutes was so bad, I felt tortured.

Well about this time a site called “feardotcom.com” is lurking around the intertubes waiting for a viewer. This viewer was some wrinkly useless guy who jumped in from of a metro train chasing after an extra from Village of the Damned. Lucky he was clutching the book that would reveal the mystery behind feardotcomdotcomdotcom.com. Dorff is on the scene and notices the look of terror on the man’s face and the blood bleeding from his eyes. He just got hit by a train so the fact he has a face surprises me. When he gets to the precinct, a young German punk kid is brought in ranting and raving… and bleeding from the eyes! Holy fuck, we need the department of health here STAT!

While investigating the punk kid’s extra enormous faux New York flat, the Health Department shows up in the form of that long haired chick from Ronin. FYI, the health department didn’t show up in as much as a medical mask, so much for containment. This is how disease is spread people! Oh, and there is a corpse in the bath. So the Bitch with Crystal Gale Hair finds a film camera, luckily those nutty Germans filmed EVERYTHING! While reviewing the tape, they see the happy German couple, frolicking around a faux Central Park, static, now they are visiting a mysterious web site, static, now they are going crazy, the camera cuts off.

It is decided that it is not a Health Department issue, but Crystal Gale Hair doesn’t leave when the job doesn’t need her services. She’s in too far, she must see this through, besides, her ambiguously defined boss is bleeding from the eyes! Oh, and “The Doctor” is still cutting a bitch in a hidden location.

Believing that the book dead dude #1 was holding will explain what is going on. They find the author getting head in a dirty ass bar, who explains that the theory behind the book is seriously so retarded I don’t remember, but it had something to do with the possibility of a website that could cross dimensions. And the netherworld applied for the domain name feardotcom.com. sure.

After telling Dorff not to visit the site, the dumb ass does and has a wild acid trip. And through a vivid hallucination he sees one of “The Doctor’s” victims. And flips out getting hospitalized, when Crystal Gale Hair decides to ignore HIS warning, and visits the site. An attractive blond appears “Do you want to hurt me?” “Do you want to watch”. This is a fear site? Well, she gets the same flashes and now it’s a raced against the clock to find this bitch. Dorff knows it’s the last victim of “The Doctor” that he knew of. Using their detective minds, they find the girl’s mother who weaves a tale of her beautiful hemophiliac daughter who by the way has a German accent?

Whatever, Crystal Gale Hair heads out to find the corpse of “whatever her name is” in the steel mill.. Because if a mere scratch can cause you to bleed to death, the only rational place to play WOULD have to be the abandoned steel mill. Meeting a creepy lady in the mill who points into the water where the body is… seriously? She couldn’t get up and tell someone earlier? The body is recovered and they all believe they are saved.

Nope, you remember in The Ring how no one gets off that easily. Apparently “whatever her name is” has been calling out for help through feardotcomdotcomdotcom.com Duh. She has been trying to warn us that “The Doctor” was killing again. They find “The Doctor” in a water tower looking thingie, a fight breaks out, “The Doctor” goes down…and takes Dorff with him. Curse broken, evil doer done away with, and Crystal Gale Hair goes home alone to hang out with her flat faced cat.

Well that was fun.