Pontypool

It has been so long since I have seen a horror movie that has made me say "See! They aren't all crap!" which honestly I don't get to say enough. Ah, but Pontypool, you have redeemed the horror genre and thrown up the horns for the Indie film crowd. Pontypool is, for lack of a better term, an absurdist zombie movie. Yay!

 PLOT Dark, snowy, cold as nuts Pontypool Ontario where Honey the cat has been missing until seen last Thursday. What does any of this mean? I actually still do not know but the narrator leads us into the movie with this bit of small town news as our radio jockey drives into work. Pulling to a stop, Grant Mazzy dressed as a ridiculous cowboy is startled by a woman who approaches his car window and disappears repeating the words Mazzy last spoke. Not knowing what to do, Mazzy continues on and arrives at a small radio station manned by "Homecoming Hero" Laurel-Ann and station manager Sydney.

As Grant settles in with the microphone he begins to upset Sydney with some of his old "Shock Jock" tricks until their weather/traffic man Ken calls in and describes a mob scene he is witnessing. There are some "Oh, God no's" and "Oh the humanity's" before Ken is cut off. Hot Diggety Dog, we got ourselves something to talk about now! scrambling for word on the situation, Sydney and young Laurel-Ann filter incoherent calls which end in more "Ahhhhh *clicks*" while Grant airs the singing talents of some white folk dressed as Middle East terrorists, one of whom starts to display some very unusual behavior. Well the Ali Babas or whatever they were called are dismissed and then things get really interesting when the radio signal is hijacked by a broadcast in French when translated warns against terms of endearments and baby talk or something before warning against translating the message into English. Oops, too late.

Ken calls in every few minutes with more obscure news and Laurel-Ann begins to imitate the tea kettle whistle before repeating the word "miss" and then eats her face. It's good fun for all. Our two survivors Sydney and Grant soldier on attempting to either avoid or come to some sort of understanding as to what is happening to the residents of Pontypool.

FINAL THOUGHT For a zombie movie that took place in one room and had a lot of talking, I am in love with Pontypool. Oh, Canada. Only you could be ground zero for a language based zombie virus. I still wonder if damn Honey the cat had something to do with this whole mess.

 

Attack the Block

So a friend scored us tickets to a screening of Attack the Block and first I was hoping it was another British zombie romp but after watching the trailer I discovered it was a British alien romp with that guy from that other movie... the one with the zombies. After a moment of disappointment, I picked up the pieces of my undead heart and headed off on an orange scooter to catch the flick.

PLOT Apparently the South of any City is where the ghettos are located and London is no different. Fireworks are exploding as what I can only assume was on Guy Fawkes day also national mug a girl on the street day as a gang of 5 adolescent chavs hold up poor nurse Sam on her way home. Dicks, right? Well whatever 'cuz something falls from the sky and lands on the car right next to simpering Sam and she runs off. Not bothered by the falling airplane poo or whatever it could have been, Moses, the leader, wiggles his way into the broken car window to lift any valuables. Then holy shit this thing pops out of the glove box... or somewhere (man British cars are confusing) and escapes, but not after giving Moses the best fucking face scars. Well, he's not taking that laying down so they track the critter, kill it and then drag it through the 'hood and up to the "block" (that's what the cool kids call the apartment building, clever.)

As they hang out in a very sexified Nick Frost's pot den there is some marble mouthed dealings going on between Moses and some guy's name I never really did catch and off in the distance little aliens drop from the sky. Lucky it was Guy Fawkes day or the explosions just might rouse some suspicions even if the fiery holes left by the space droppings went completely unnoticed. What didn't go unnoticed was Sam's mugging. Sam and the Police drive around in a little van looking for the hoodlums that mugged her. Well luck for her, the po-po roll up and catch Moses at just the same time the aliens show us what they are really all about, and they are fucking awesome.

Seeking shelter they all end up in the Block, which as the title suggests is now under attack and it is up to these five, slightly unlikable and mildly incoherent kids and one nurse Sam to defend from the onslaught of alien beings.

FINAL THOUGHT The British always seem to get it right. The perfect combination of action, humor, fear, gore, shiny track suits and non human characters. I know the characters were little thieving and drug dealing shits but I couldn't help but root for them over the creatures.

*sigh* I love the British.

OMFG, Really?

And people are surprised?

the good, the bad, THE UGLY

OMFG! You just LEFT the public restroom without making sure that everything did indeed get flushed? And thanks for the random skid mark in the middle, well done!

THE GOOD, the bad, the ugly

How embarrassing, I am wearing the same thing. right. now.

the good, THE BAD, the ugly

I think this image pretty much speaks for itself.

Oh, and happy birthday Liza. I hope it was as magical as this is.

The Human Centipede

I promised myself I would have nothing to do with this film but last night I crumbled. It was either the Gin and Tonics or the persistence of my BF (who actually wanted to see this film) that made this viewing seem like a really good idea. To be honest, I only actually saw about 70% of the movie, the other 30% was me watching the palm of my hand after slapping it to my face. Oh my god, this movie was fucked up.

PLOT Typical way to start any torture film, take a few tourists, put then in Germany (W.T.F. guys, why is is always Germany?) add a wacky doctor and you have the general framework for The Human Centipede.

We open to meet out wacky Doc stroking a photo of three rottweilers who are linked by the bum like a lover would. He gazes at these poor photo-shopped creatures until a trucker pulls over to "drop the kids off" when our doctor shoots him with a tranquilizing gun aaaaaaaaaand roll the title opening and the introduction to our unfortunate tourists. Typical dumb bitches on a European trip getting ready for the disco drive off with shitty directions and don't consider that they are lost until they hit mile marker one million on a dark empty road to nowhere. This is where the torture of the movie actually begins. They get a flat tire and like any typical motorist in the middle of nowhere they get out to look at the flat, they yell at the flat and even kick it for good measure but don't actually change the flat. This isn't even brought up until they exhaust all other methods of not using either brain or muscle matter. Actually, it appears that tire changing is similar to astrophysics for these girls and will not be occurring in this movie and instead they venture off to find help. Kill me now. They don't actually follow the road and instead choose to wander blindly, in heels, through the dark forest. Oh my god they so deserve to be sewn to each others asses.

After all of the possible poor decisions they could possibly make are exhausted, they come across a light in the darkness, fate has brought them to crazy Doctor Sewyourfacetoanass. After being invited in and asking to have a car service called (I know, it hurts) they are inevitably drugged by the kind glass of water the doctor offered them and wake up in medical beds with loose bindings and a fat trucker who is then disposed of for a bit of Asian flair. They cry, plead and beg but much like the flat tire don't try to unbuckle their bindings. So being the dumbasses that they obviously are, they sit through the lesson that will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. Doctor Crazyasfuck explains his mouth to ass procedure which is so... gross I have no words to describe how I am feeling. Oh my god, finally one of the stupid tourists starts to realize that this shit is getting real and maybe she should have tried to change the flat tire but will instead nut-up and break free of her feeble bindings which is accomplished in about 10 seconds as the doctor is right next to the bed. Hopefully she was also thinking that she should have tried that sooner but anyway does actually escape but instead of getting help. comes back to retrieve her unconscious friend and wakes up with her friend attached to her ass and an Asian attached to her mouth.

By this point you either turn this crap off or forge ahead as I did. Well, they are not really all that pleased to be in this situation and spend the next 45 minutes crying into one an others back sides while the doctor trains them to get his news paper and eat each others poop. At this point you know that even if they are saved they are still fucked. Perhaps this is the thing that made this movie unbearable, there was really no reversing the operation and returning to normal and therefore escape or revenge upon the doctor is not as sweet as I would wish it to be... and our two American tourists will never realize that changing a tire is no more complicated than setting the VCR to record. Wait, do those still exist?

FINAL THOUGHT If you can't get chicken pox more than once, I will never need to see this movie again... right?